Geeks and love

I have a back and forth conversation about girls with my friend for couple of years now. He’s a really smart and intelligent geeky guy that spends more time on Reddit looking at cute anime girls than hanging out with real people. He has strong social anxiety and he doesn’t really care for social hobbies. “Everyone has their own vices” goes the saying but the problem begins when you become unsure of what do you want from your life? Am I really okay without experiencing the women’s loving touch? Can anime and video games fill that void in my heart? Can technology replace humanity?

I was similar. I spent most of my time consuming entertainment but I knew that I wanted women in my life. I knew I was clumsy and had no game so I worked on myself. I’ve read a bit about it, I hit the gym which absolutely didn’t help but more on that later. Attending a social hobby, getting rejected and attending bad dates absolutely helped. I eventually found a girlfriend, we fell in love and it feels great. Sure, it has its ups and downs but overall I am more fulfilled person. I wanted to share that with my friend. I want that he experiences the other side of happiness. Video games and anime are great but people are too.

We got drunk for his birthday and he opened up when there was only the two of us. We talked for a long time but didn’t arrive to any conclusion. There was a lot of escapism, abusing math and an overall depressed perspective on life. The day after his birthday he wrote this in one of his messages:

“The most important reason might be that I don’t fancy the idea that my happiness depends SO MUCH on a different person, an entity I have no control over. An entity, who can screw me over or leave for unforeseen reasons. Here’s a way to illustrate it:

There is this burning stick of fire that burned me ~5+ times and fuck does it sting and burn and leave scars. Well, I’m kind of sick of putting this stick into someone else’s hands because each time I do, it ends up stinging and burning me, so it conditioned me to keep the stick to myself, for then I can be sure I won’t get stung and burned and scarred again. And one time that stick didn’t burn me, but kept my soul warm for a while, while being pretty darn fantastic, don’t seem worth all the stinging.”

The micro perspective

Bullshit. Everything you said was fucking bullshit. Stop idolizing women. Stop putting them on a pedestal. You liked one girl, you fantasized about her and you made her appear perfect. Every time she smiled you would think how perfect her smile was. Every time she said something funny you would imagine her making you laugh on a meadow full of flowers. Every time she asked you to get her a glass of water you would think you’re giving her your dick, and she liked it in her mouth.

My point is that your “burning and stinging” happens because you close yourself in an alternative universe where you are perfect for each other and destiny has brought you to this moment. In her mind, you’re just a cool guy that made her laugh that one time. Of course that she rejecting you will hurt so much. Youmade her perfect in your mind. You wanted to find a crappy job in her hometown just so you could be with the girl who you met a week ago. You made it hurt so much.

She saw a guy, kind of insecure but cute. Then she didn’t really understand your actions. First, you made yourself look like a potential boyfriend by being your usual self. You did awesome stuff because that’s what you do every day and she happened to be there to see it. Then, you made yourself look like a friend when you spent 4 hours talking about how her boyfriend doesn’t appreciate her. Finally you made yourself look like a dog. You stopped doing all the awesome stuff because that made you happy; you started doing it for her. ”Hey Valery, look at me! I can do a backflip! Look at me! Are you looking? She’s not looking, I am going to wait for her to look and then do a backflip. Now? Wait, not yet. Here I goooo! No wait… She’s not looking.”

After a while she stopped thinking about it and she moved on. Or maybe she didn’t even see you that way? It doesn’t fucking matter. Her reasons were reality; your reasons were your imagination.

The macro perspective

No, the 0.0001% chance that your wife will get killed in a car accident is not the reason to give up on women.  That logic is hypocritical, because you weren’t supposed to have friends because they also can be killed in a car accident and you would be depressed and sad.

Why do you hang out with me then? Hypocrite.

But let’s say your wife does get killed in an accident. It’s going to be very traumatic and depressing for you. Yes, you will be sad for a year, two years. But life goes on. You are a rational man. What is 1 or 2 years of grief against 30 more years of life? It’s 3% of your time. You will be sad but then you will move on.

On the contrary, I’d still bet on the 99.9999% chance that she’ll live and you’d be happy together.

You say – what if she leaves me for unforeseen reasons? Yes that is totally possible. You will be crazy in love, you will spend a couple of years together building a strong relationship and then she will leave you without a warning.

Are you fucking serious? Yes, women leave men and men leave women. But people leave people because of reasons. And when that time comes, it will not be without multiple warnings. She will distance herself from you. She will talk how she doesn’t want to live in Croatia anymore. She will say that she wants kids. She will say X and then after a few months or years her priorities will gradually change and she will make a decision. You are not a robot which means you will be able to see the social queues. Let’s say this does happen. This brings us to spending 3% of your remaining time in grief and then moving on.

Entertainment can’t replace real people

This is so easy I’ll do it in 3 sentences:

Did you ever see an anime where a main character spends the entire season in front of a computer? Or does he/she interact with other people and that’s where drama, romance, humor and plot twists come from? I didn’t think so. Video games and anime are cool but people are the ones who make them.

In my opinion, if a person consumes romantic entertainment he or she wants to have romance in his/her life. Likewise, if a person watches pornography he or she wants to have sex. Recognizing and acknowledging the want is the first step. Acting on your wants is the next step. If you don’t have any interaction with the gender you’re attracted to figure out how to incorporate them in your daily life. Find a social hobby, go to clubs if you like clubs, ask your friends to introduce you to one etc.

If you think you’re not very good in seduction, educate yourself.  If you think you’re not a very good dresser find a friend and spend $50 on new clothes. If you have crippling social anxiety, deal with that first. Every problem can be solved. It’s just the matter of time.

Figure out what’s the next step and then go DO IT!

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